The Greens – The (unofficial) Guide

Who Are the Greens?

People who love the planet earth are called Environmentalists or Greens.

Greens believe that the planet earth is being destroyed and everyone needs to work together to save it.

Greens think that people are bad and the planet is good. Some Greens call people a “cancer” on the earth.

Natural Is Good

The Greens believe that things that are already on the earth are “natural”. The Greens like natural things.

This includes trees, whales, snow leopards, icebergs, oceans, rainbows and lots more. Viruses, genetic defects, disease-carrying mosquitos, illness and death are all natural too. The Greens don’t mention these much.

The Greens believe that people are destroying nature when they make their lives better. Lots of people have better lives by using things made by modern science and technology.

The Greens don’t like modern things. They call them “un-natural”.

All Food Should Be Natural

The Greens like “natural” food. By “natural” they don’t mean that they just find their food in the country-side, but food is grown in an old fashioned way.

The Greens let farmers use modern tractors, but don’t let them use modern farming techniques or inventions, like pesticides and biotechnology. They like food grown in a 1930’s-type way.

Local, Local, Local

Greens like food which is grown near to where they live.

Greens don’t like farmers in other countries. They refuse to buy food from farmers who live in poor countries in Africa because it is infected with “food miles”.

Greens go to local “farmers markets” which sell sausages, jam and pickles and cheese when it is “in season”.

The farmers don’t go because they are busy working on the farm. The Greens haven’t met farmers before, so they don’t notice that the farmers are missing.

The Greens tell everyone that they have bought their food at a farmers market and everyone says “well done you”.

This makes Greens feel special and happy. It’s funny how that doesn’t make the African farmers feel special or happy.

Supermarkets Are Bad

Greens don’t like supermarkets because they sell food from around the world at low prices.

Greens prefer food that is expensive. Luckily for the Greens, marketing companies have written “organic” on some foods and made it very expensive.

Greens haven’t noticed that all food is actually “organic”.

When Greens have cooked their “organic” food they tell everyone that is “organic” and everyone says “well done you”.

This makes Greens feel special and happy.

Modern Food Is Actually Poison

In olden days, most people spent their days growing their food to eat. When there was bad weather and the food didn’t grow properly, lots of people died.

Nowadays, food is developed by “bio-technologists” and grown by a few people with big machines. There is enough food to feed everybody in the world and the food is interesting and tasty.

The Greens are frightened by modern farming and they want to stop it. They shout “Frankenfoods” at bio-technologists and want people to grow their own food in animal dung.

Chemicals Are Scary

Greens are scared of chemicals. This is because the Greens think that chemicals are unnatural.

The Greens are scared that chemicals are harming people in secret ways. The Greens think that chemicals are linked to cancer.

Lots of things are linked together, but usually “chemicals” and “cancer” is linked together in press releases from Green activists.

Chemicals are also linked to killing diseases and making food better and last longer. People are living longer and healthier lives throughout the world. The press releases don’t seem to mention this.

Recycling Is Clever

Green people don’t like rubbish, even when it is put in tips and grass is grown on top. Greens like recycling.

Recycling means that all the things that are very common and easy to make are taken out of the rubbish and used again. So glass and paper and plastic is recycled, but all the rare materials are put in a big tip.

It is very clever.

What is the Greens Favourite Animal?

It is the Polar Bear.

Even though they love the Polar Bear, the Greens love pictures of Polar Bears that are poorly, falling off icebergs or swimming a lot and looking tired. Greens send these pictures to their friends to make their friends sad. Greens like to make their friends sad. They like to be sad together.

Luckily, the Polar Bears don’t seem troubled by this. There are now more Polar Bears than ever before and they are doing very well.

Maybe one day, a Polar Bear will eat one of the sad photographers to make him happy.

What Is The Greens Favourite Plant?

The Greens don’t have a favourite plant. They like all plants and even took their name, the “Greens” from the colour of leaves.

Plants have a favourite gas. It is called carbon dioxide and they grow strong and healthy when they have lots of it.

When plants first evolved there was lots more carbon dioxide in the air, but now there isn’t so much and sometimes kind farmers pump it into greenhouses so planet can grow healthy.

Ironically, Greens like plants and trees; plants and trees like carbon dioxide; but Greens hate carbon dioxide. If the plants could talk, they would probably ask for more carbon dioxide from the Greens by way of thanks. I think that this would make the Greens very grumpy. It would be quite funny to watch.

“Technology Miles” Are Good

Greens don’t eat food which has been transported on ships and lorries. This is because ships and lorries produce carbon dioxide. Greens are against “food miles”

iPhones, Samsung Galaxy phones and Apple Macs are also transported on ships and lorries.

The Greens like iPhones, Samsung Galaxy phones and Apple Macs because they help to show the poorly pictures of Polar Bears.

Because of this, the Greens have not yet invented “technology miles”

Poor People Are Happy People

The Greens live the in the rich countries. Even though their lives are easy, they aren’t happy.

People in poor countries want things that people have in the rich countries. They want things to be cheap and plentiful in their own countries like food, electricity, railway travel and education.

This would make them happy.

The Greens want to poor people to stay poor and carry on living in nature. They look at pictures of them smiling and wish that they were poor and happy like them.

The Greens don’t move from rich countries to the poor countries to be happy and poor, but they do hang pictures of African people on the walls in their houses. This makes them feel good about themselves.

Do the Greens Like Other People?

The Greens think that there are too many people on the planet and that the planet will run out of things we need, like food and metal and water.

People don’t just use things up, they actually make useless things into useful things. For example oil and uranium is useless when it is in the ground, but it powers heating, industry and travel when it is extracted and made useful. This means that the planet will not be used up and lots more people can live on it.

The Greens haven’t noticed that this is happening because they only notice bad things happening. They think that natural things are just used up and wasted. They don’t notice that people are creative and make things out of rocks.

The Greens are very scared about more people living on the planet. They think that people are a “cancer”. The Greens haven’t suggested killing these people yet, but some-times they probably think about it.

Why Are Green Ideas Fashionable Now?

People used to think about which is the right way to improve the lives of people. They argued about capitalism and communism and nationalism and socialism. All the “isms” were arguments about the future for people.

The Greens believe that people are the problem and that the planet needs to be saved from people. As the leaders stopped believing in the future for people, the Green idea became increasingly attractive to them. The leaders now have a cause that casts them as saviours without having to offer an attractive future for people. This was perfect for the leaders and the Greens.

All the leaders who used to talk about isms, now talk about the planet. Now they just compete with each other to be seen as the leader to save it.

The world leaders have big meetings to talk about carbon dioxide, not solving poverty or creating peace and stability or making the world a better place.

The Greens should be happy, but they are still sad and grumpy. They are always sad and grumpy because they don’t like other people at all. The Greens have a burning sense of injustice because they don’t feel part of the modern world and they want to destroy it.

The Greens like to pretend that they are leaders of a popular movement. But, most people ignore them. To look busy and to pretend that they have lots of supporters, Green activists dress up in gory suits and perform stunts for the news cameras.

Who Is the Green’s Leader?

In the early days, the Greens grew beards and went in little boats to stop whales being killed. They didn’t have leaders.

In the 1980’s they shaved their beards off and started talking to the grown-ups.

The first real grown up to become a Green was Margaret Thatcher. In 1988, Margaret Thatcher had successfully killed all her enemies and had run out of an “ism” to believe in.

A wise man called Sir Crispin Tickell told Margaret about a new cause that wasn’t an ism – it was “global warming”.

He said that she could be the leader and would become a hero that saved the planet.

Oddly, the Greens never said thank you to Margaret for persuading world leaders about “global warming” and closing the coal mines in Britain. Maybe, it because the Greens pretend to be left-wing and Margaret was right-wing. It is still rude though.

Margaret Thatcher’s Big Apocalypse Computer

To become the leader hero, Margaret Thatcher had to convince other grown up leaders that the planet was dying.

Margaret talked to the other grown-up leaders at a big meeting called the United Nations. She convinced them to set up a special campaigning team called the IPCC. Margaret gave money to buy a clever computer to foretell the coming apocalypse.

The Hadley Centre built a machine and filled it with special numbers. It showed the the world used to be cold and was now very warm. It showed that we will die soon from global warming.

Some people noticed that the world used to be a lot warmer than it is now, but they were told to be quiet and not spoil things.

Big Al’s Hollywood Apocalypse

The next leader Al Gore. Al is a man who dines well and lives in a mansion, but wasn’t happy. Al wanted to be the big leader of the Greens.

Al made a Hollywood film with lots of special effects borrowed from his friends in Hollywood. The film showed how the Apocalypse would look. It looked horrible.

Al’s film showed that because we drive cars and use electricity, we would drown and starve because the seas would wash over the land. Frightening pictures were more convincing than the big computer.

The film was called “The Inconvenient Truth”. It was very imaginative, but not a true story. Some people tried to tell Al that it was going to be ok, but he called them names like “deniers” and “in the pay of big oil”. Al is a grumpy Green leader and he gets very angry. Especially when people don’t believe his Hollywood special effects because they cost him a lot of money.

The Apocalypse Hasn’t Arrived Yet – Will It Please Come Soon

Something called a “hiatus” happened and Apocalypse computers stopped working properly. The signs of the coming Apocalypse, the “tipping points”, didn’t happen and the world stopped warming.

The Greens had got used to their way of living and the leaders had a reputation the defend. All the leaders had no new “isms” and needed the Green campaign to carry on.

So, the Greens invented a religion.

The Green Religion – How Does It Work?

People don’t believe in Priests and Vicars and God, but they do want something to believe in.

The God of the Greens is “The Earth”.

The Truth of the Green religion is revealed by clever “scientists”. The theologians have special computers which continues to foretell the Apocalypse.

The Devil of the Green religion is a gas. The gas is called carbon dioxide, the Devil Gas.

The Devil Gas is made when human beings do things that makes life better for themselves. It is called the Carbon Footprint.

Hell is the Apocalypse. The Apocalypse used to be called “the mini ice age”, then it was called “global warming”, then when the earth stopped warming, it became “climate change”. It might be called something else in the future. This will be decided by the Green theologians.

The Greens crusade against the Devil Gas with Sermons to save us from the Apocalypse.

The Sermons Against The Apocalypse preach Public Penance.

People can perform their Penance by doing more boring things and doing less things that are interesting, fulfilling and fun. This helps people reduce their Carbon Footprint.

The Devil Gas has sympathisers. These people are Heretics and called Deniers. Deniers are hunted down and cast out.

Unlike older religions, there is no redemption for the Green followers, only persistent Penance.

Luckily, the Apocalypse hasn’t happened because lots of Greens are performing Penance.

For a Sensible View

Patrick More was a founder of Greenpeace, but left because “scare tactics and disinformation were employed by some within the environmental movement.”

Patrick argues that the environmental movement “abandoned science and logic in favour of emotion and sensationalism.”

Video: Why Greenpeace Founder Left The organisation and Now Campaigns Against It

For A Sensible Read

For a human-centred view of the world and to get an insight into the increasingly bizarre tactics of the Greenpeace, Patrick’s book is a great read. It may even restore your faith in humanity and belief in the future.

Book: Patrick Moore “Confessions of Greenpeace Dropout”