In the olden days women fought for freedom
In the olden days, women’s rights campaigners fought for freedom.
Suffragettes fought for women’s right to vote. ‘Women’s libbers’ fought for equal pay an end to a life ‘tied to the kitchen sink’.
Tough women, like Sylvia Pankhurst, campaigned for equality and demanded liberty.
Nowadays, Modern Feminists have discovered that women are, in fact ‘vulnerable’. They have decided that the world is dangerous for women. Feminists want women to be supported and protected.
In olden days, Suffragettes chained themselves to fences and threw themselves in front of horses to fight for equal rights for women.
Today, Modern Feminists show their bravery in different ways. They loudly demand that the authorities protect women from adverts which show other women in bathing costumes.
The radical Feminists chain themselves to keyboards and hurl themselves into Twitter storms of fuming disapproval.
Untied from the kitchen sink
Some people have said that the development of washing machines, ready made meals and supermarkets has reduced the amount of work needed to complete domestic tasks.
This has given women more time, the freedom to go out to work and to enjoy life.
Some women use this time to drink wine and go on city breaks. Other women have successful careers and high powered jobs. Some women do all these things.
Could Tesco and Whirlpool tumble dryers be more feminist than the Modern Feminists?
Feminists are obsessed with breasts
Feminists spend a lot of time talking about other women’s breasts. This is progress, because in the olden days only men did this.
Feminists criticise women who call their breasts ‘tits’ and show them in magazines and on the internet for money. Feminists tell them that they are not ‘aware’ and that their minds are infested with ‘patriarchy’. These are ‘bad breasts’.
Modern Feminists who run around the streets showing their breasts with slogans painted on are ‘aware’. These are ‘good breasts’. Surprisingly, they do not get paid for doing this.
Feminists also like vaginas
Most people don’t like the word ‘vagina’ and try to avoid using it.
Modern Feminists do like the word and they talk about them a lot. They are proud of their vaginas.
One Feminist even put a play on in London where a vagina talked in a monologue for over an hour.
There were even adverts on the tube and buses with the “Vagina Monologue” in big bright letters.
Some women listen to the lyrics of songs, so that they can sing along whilst driving their cars. It makes them happy.
Modern Feminists study the lyrics of songs and play records carefully because they know that the secret patriarchy messages in songs are dangerous.
Modern Feminists know that songs with patriarchy lyrics turn men into nasty sex predators and women into helpless victims.
Modern Feminists help by demanding that songs are banned and by criticising women who dance to them.
Feminists pay attention to adverts
Most people occasionally glance at adverts, but largely ignore them. Feminists look closely at adverts to see if they are brainwashing women.
Adverts that show attractive women with nice bodies are most feared by Feminists. They think that non-Feminist women will feel bad and either eat too much or not eat enough.
Feminists are helping the women with weak minds to eat properly.
In the olden days, sexism was part of everyday life. Men made jokes about their mothers-in-law and they wolf-whistled at the secretaries as they walked past in the office.
Nowadays, laptops have replaced the secretaries and laptops do not respond well to wolf-whistling.
Lots of people’s bosses are, in fact, women and whistling has proved disastrous during appraisals and during company meetings.
Women are under-represented
Modern Feminists say that women should be represented at all levels of society on equal terms with men.
They have almost succeeded. Each year, 100,000 more young women go to university than men. Women in their 20s earn more than their male peers. Feminists rightly say that more should be done.
Feminists may turn their attention to the last bastions of male over-representation: the prison population, being killed on battlefields, working on bin lorries and the selling of illegal drugs on the streets.
Women demand to have equal representation at all levels of society
What’s in a name?
After a long and historic battle, Feminists have managed to change the way we speak.
We no longer use the words chairman, fireman or history. We quite rightly say chairperson, person-of-fire-fighting and Mstory.
The change in the words that we use reflects our modern ways. Soon we will also change the words taxman, hangman, mandatory and semen. Manholes will soon be known simply as ‘holes’.
We are now careful to use the right words and not make mistakes.
Modern Feminists believe that we live in a ‘rape culture’.
Most people haven’t noticed that rape is now part of popular culture and they continue to see it as a repulsive and rare crime.
Luckily, Feminists are clever and they use their special patriarchal expertise to show lots of things are a bit ‘rapey’.
By scientific methods they have also proved that all working-class men are rapists, especially football players.
Feminists hold special awareness-raising group sessions to discover rape in new places.
What is Sexism?
Sexism is behaviour or communication that treats someone differently according to whether or not they have recently had sex with them.
A ‘sexist’ person is someone who would like to have more sex, but doesn’t know how to go about it.
It is usually men who are ‘sexist’.
Actually all ‘sexist’ people are men.
Modern Feminist-women are strong & weak
Modern Feminists like to tell other Feminists about how they have been hurt by the sexist culture around them.
They seek validation for their painful experience and they seek the support of other women to become ‘survivors’.
This shows that Feminists are strong independent women.
Men have feelings too
Some men call themselves Feminists.
Men Feminists show the lady Feminists that they are different to the ‘patriarchal-oppressor’ men.
Men Feminists understand ‘issues’, they are ‘aware’ and they show their ‘feelings’.
When lady Feminists share the pain of living in a ‘patriarchal society’, men Feminists accept this pain. They care.
Men Feminists become very serious when another man makes a sexist mistake. They help by ‘raising his awareness’.
Lady Feminists show their appreciation by letting the men Feminists have sex with them, when they are not too tired.
The colour of patriarchy is pink
Modern Feminists know that the world is run by men and that this is called ‘Patriarchy’.
Patriarchy works by teaching girls to become servants of men when they grow up.
Patriarchy uses dolls and the colour pink to trick girls. Girls who wear pink and play with dolls never grow up to be scientists or doctors.
Some girls are forced to wear pink clothes. Feminists have noticed that these girls become servants of men.
Top tips for harmonious living
Feminists have realised that modern society can be a daunting place. They provide advice and guidance to make it easier to survive.
They recommend showing appreciation or approval using ‘jazz hands’ instead of clapping.
They also provide fashion advice. This means that scientists can land robots on comets, safe in the knowledge that they are following 21st Century fashion trends.
Feminists are fashionistas.
Feminists are actually funny
Some people say that Modern Feminists do not have a sense of humour. This is not true.
Feminists are very funny, particularly when they are angry.
Sandy Toksvig has created a political party. It is called the Ladies That Lunch With Furrowed Brows Party. She is demanding that nice middle class women run everything and make things nice and middle class and womanly.
This is very funny.
Modern Feminists help people to understand jokes. They clearly explain which jokes are funny and which jokes are not funny.
Sometimes people get this wrong. This is happens when they are not ‘aware’.
Feminists help people to become ‘aware’ so that they can enjoy the right jokes.
Joke 1 This is a funny joke (aware)
Q: What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
A: Through his chest with a sharp knife
Joke 2 This is not a funny joke (not aware)
Q: How many Feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change the bulb and 100 to share her pain.
Joke 3 This is a joke designed to reinforce patriarchal oppression (very much not aware)
Q: How many men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, let her cook in the dark.
Joke 4 This is not funny at all. If you hear someone tell this joke, you must explain that they should be more sensitive about other people’s feelings and share their pain. (absolutely and in no possible way aware)
Q: What’s the difference between premenstrual tension and B.S.E?
A: One is mad cow disease, the other is an agricultural problem.
No-one can say that modern Feminism is not funny.
On a serious note..
If Feminists were serious about improving the lives of women, perhaps they could campaign for..
1. In most of the world: Economic development for the majority of the world where women don’t have financial independence & drop the cultural campaign on FGM (people forget that years ago the British campaign against these un-Christian cultural practices was one of the triggers for the Mau Mau rebellion)
2. In the West: Free 24 hour nurseries and abortion on demand, because it is childcare responsibilities which creates inequality when most women hit their 30s. Women take a hit on their career progression when they have kids. Perhaps feminists should work on this practical matter, instead of waging a war on culture.
3. In specific countries (Saudi Arabia, Pakistan etc) fight for the rights enjoyed by women in the west – eduction, contraception, economic independence, legal equality, marriage law reform etc
4. And crucially, freedom is central. To exercise your freedom you need to be resilient and independent. Modern feminism promotes the opposite.
© Josh Hampton, 14th May 2016