A Handy Guide to The Tories For The Under 10s

What are Tories?

Tories are real people who live in the real actual world.

Tories are quiet people and they don’t like to talk about what they believe in.

Let’s try and understand the Tories. What do other people say about them?

What do Socialists Think?

Socialists are caring people who believe that the government should look after everybody. Because socialists mix with other socialists, they rarely meet a Tory and they find it difficult to understand them.

Socialists have come to see Tories as an un-fathomable breed of people who are selfish and mean. Socialists think that Tories are responsible for all the bad things in the country.

Some socialists like to shout at Tories. They call them ‘Tory bastards’ and ‘Tory Scum’.

This activity shows other socialists that they are caring and thoughtful.

Working Class Tories

Socialists think that the Tories are snobs who hate the working class. So why do many working class people vote for Tories in elections? Why did working class people such as David Davis, Stephen Crabb and John Major become Tories when they were grown ups?

The ‘right wing press’ is wot had done it. It has spread out-dated ideas of self-reliance, moral responsibility and suspicion of big government. This has warped the minds of gullible working class people and created ‘false consciousness’.

Socialists understand that working class people cannot think for themselves, all on their own. Socialists work hard to make them ‘aware’ that Tories have evil intentions.

Unfortunately, a lot of working class people think that it is the socialists who really despise them.

Tory is a bad word

Socialists add the word ‘Tory’ to everyday activities and objects. They do this to show that the thing is bad. It has added effect when shouted loudly, using a Scouse accent.

A ‘Tory Brexit’ is the process of regaining of democracy that somehow fails to benefit the people actually living in the democracy.

‘Tory austerity’ is a catchall phrase that is the cause of all bad things that happen.

A ‘Tory bastard’ is a bastard that is also mean and uncaring.

‘Tory scum’ are people who appear like a specific bath residue that is ostracised at social events.

The Tories are shy

Tories tend to be quite shy people. They have low self esteem and lack confidence.

Tories prefer to emerge every five years to tell people a little bit about themselves and what they like to do in their spare time. If you want to make a Tory feel comfortable, ask them about their hobbies, but don’t ask awkward questions like “So, this is the Brexit election, tell us about Brexit”, “What comes after Brexit”, “How will your policies make us all wealthier?”, “or “What do you actually believe in?”. The Tories become introverted when faced with such difficult questions.

In the last election, the Tories had a panic attack because people did not know how to treat them properly. The Tories felt that they were being judged and they became introverted and reclusive.

If you want to make a Tory leader feel relaxed, just leave them alone with their best friends, SPAD1 and SPAD2.

The Tories and the free market

In the olden days, the Tories believed that in something called the ‘free market’. They believed that companies were better at providing services than the government. They believed that free competition between companies spurred innovation and drove prices down. They privatised companies and refused to subsidise un-profitable companies.

Nowadays, the Tories have lost confidence in the free market and they want to manage it for everyone. They have a new idea, called ‘welfare capitalism’. The government provides in-work benefits for companies by giving them cheap credit, government contracts and green subsidies. The government does not privatise services; it ‘outsources’ them and provides them with regular benefit payments. They manage companies through regulatory bodies.

In this way ‘state socialism’ has been defeated.

The Tories and the civil service

In the olden days, the Tories used to view civil service as lethargic and self-serving. The civil service are the purveyors of reason and the impartial executors of good policy. This has been proven by experts.

Sir Ivan Rogers was the UK’s ambassador to the EU. He was the ideal civil servant.

Sir Ivan provided David Cameron with his masterful strategy to win concessions from the EU before the EU Referendum. He persuaded Theresa May to use EU citizens living in Britain as bargaining chips with the EU. Sir Ivan has shown the Tories that the Civil Service knows best.

When Sir Ivan accused the Tories of “muddled thinking”, The Tories “thanked” Sir Ivan “for his work”.

Well done Sir Ivan. Three cheers for the Civil Service!

Big ideas

In the olden day, the Tories had big ideas.

In the 1980s, the Tories had an idea called ‘popular capitalism’. They developed policies make people richer and more self-reliant. The Tories encouraged people to own their own houses and buy shares in privatised companies. They won elections.

More recently, the Tories have stopped thinking and developing plans to tackle big issues. They could work out how to kick-start the next industrial revolution, create well-paid jobs and make society richer.

But the Tories have lost confidence in themselves. They think that people will not understand them. They have decided to stop thinking at all and just roll up their sleeves and work really hard.

Spare a thought for the Tories, because they have none of their own.

The Tories and Brexit

You may have heard about something called ‘Brexit’. A long time ago people voted for it. It was quite complicated and the Tories needed a year to decide what to do next. During the year, lots of people complained that Brexit was a bad thing, but the Tories kept quiet.

Then the Tories decided that they should call an election. They called it the ‘Brexit’ election, but they didn’t like to talk about the Brexit thing and they kept quiet.

They only started talking again when lots of people voted for the Labour party. By then the Tories had almost lost their voice and no one could hear what they were saying. People started laughing.

It was really quite sad. It still is.

The modern Tories

In the olden days, the Tories had clear principles, laid out a plan and argued for it.

This is not the modern way. Tories now use a process of ‘random policy selection’. Using these modern ‘third way’ techniques. The Tories do not need to waste time developing a plan, a sense of direction or even a purpose.

Although this approach has failed to win widespread public support, it has succeeded in rejuvenating the Labour Party. This is good because we know that “every government needs a strong opposition”.

This new approach has been a huge success.

The Tories like money

Tories are greedy because they want everybody to keep more of their own money and not give it to the government. Socialists want the government to take more of people’s money; otherwise they spend it on trivial things, like their family.

Some people might be surprised that the Tories have reduced poverty by reducing the amount of tax that poor people pay. They have also increased the minimum wage. Nowadays the top 1% of people pay 28% of the government’s tax, this was 11% in 1979.

The Tories are mean and cruel to poor people.

The Tories and public finances

In the olden days, the Tories believed that the government should be careful about spending our money. They believed in something called ‘sound public finances’.

Some people said that the Tories were boring and that they should ‘live a bit’. The Tories don’t like to be called boring and they created a special low interest credit card for themselves.

The Tories have now maxed out the credit card and public debt is now 90% of the economy. The Tories have beaten the previous record holder, Gordon Brown, who achieved a very boring 40%.

Tories are actually quite fun sometimes, Yo!

The Tories and war

In the olden days, wars used to be fought using tanks and aeroplanes. The Tories used to be proud of the army, navy and air force. They felt good when Britain won a war.

Recently, the British military have not been very good at fighting wars. The Tories have decided to change the enemy and make wars secret. In this way no one will know if Britain is winning or losing and the Tories can be proud.

The military is now fighting wars with special cyber weapons against someone or other. They have launched a floating cyber war aircraft carrier. The HMS Queen Elizabeth that is equipped with the latest Microsoft Windows 10 and no unnecessary aircraft. On land, they are also watching Jihadis with special binoculars.

Once a month the military produces a report telling us how many battles they have won. The Tories are military visionaries.

The Tories and the ‘green blob’

The Tories are brave people, but they are frightened of something called the ‘green blob’. The green blob shouts that ‘the world is going to burn up’, ‘the sea will swamp us’ and the ‘planet is dying’. The Tories want to be friends with the green blob, but it just demands more money.

The Tories have ended the free market in energy production, increased prices and paid billion of pounds in subsidies. The green blob just gets angrier and shouts louder.

Tories are kind to monsters.

The world stage

In the olden days, the Tories used to be masters of something called ‘the world stage’. They would show off their nuclear weapons, their seat on the UN Security Council and their special friendship with America.

Nowadays, the Tories feel awkward when they are invited to big meetings with world leaders. They want to feel important, but don’t know what to say. They know that people don’t like the Russians, so they make jokes about them. If the conversation turns serious, they furrow their brow and talk about climate change.

The Tories are masters of ‘soft power’.

Tories like choice in education policy

Tories believe that good schools should prosper and bad schools should fail. They believe that parents should be able to choose where their children go to school.

The Tories have created lots of choice in education policy. This includes grammar schools, free schools, academies, religious schools and schools run by local authorities.

The Tories choose different education policies at the same time.

The Tories believe in choice.

Great Names

Many Tory leaders have historic developments named after them. These include The Balfour Declaration (Arthur Balfour), Thatcherism (Margaret Thatcher) and The Eden Project (Anthony Eden).

This great Tory era will be named after Theresa May.

Theresa is named after the month of May, which is known for its variable and unpredictable weather in anticipation of a summer that never quite arrives.

Mayism is defined as ‘expressing possibility’ something ‘that may or may not be true’.

Mayism will be a rallying cry for future generations who demand that something possibly will, or will not, happen and if it does it will be caused by something else.

The Tories lack confidence, be nice to them.


© Andy Shaw, 16th July 2017