Soon – on a date yet to be decided – the UK will plunge off a large cliff into the Brexit abyss. Uncertainty will be replaced by the certainty of extreme uncertainty. Prepare yourselves for this living hell, it is not too late.

1. Stockpile

Although it remains unclear who will physically stop EU goods being imported into the UK, it is an established fact that they will cease to exist. Like all sensible people, you have already stock-piled basic provisions. You may have filled your cupboards with Spanish toilet paper, German Currywurst and French fries, but don’t forget other essentials like, for example, a few cases of Pomerol 2009. Write a list of all the European food and drink that you consume each week and place an urgent order with Ocado.

2. Learn new skills

Once Brexit happens, all EU nationals will leave their jobs and return to the mainland for safety. You will have to do the jobs that they once did for you. Doctors, nurses, fruit pickers and plumbers will flee to Poland, Romania and Wales. You need to learn new skills fast.

  • Fruit and vegetables will lie rotting in the soil. Learn harvesting techniques. Gather with friends to pick cabbages, potatoes, avocados, plums and grapefruit from nearby fields.
  • Before your Au Pair leaves, ask her to teach you some simple childcare skills. Learn how to feed your children and put them to bed the right way up. Don’t forget to ask her to deep clean the house, you don’t know how long it will be until new cleaners are made available.
  • Visit your local Wetherspoons pub to find a local handyman and try to make friends with them. If this is unsuccessful, simply accept that you will not be able to upgrade your kitchen this season.

3. Maintain vigilance

Although the catastrophic effects of Brexit will be visible to you, some people will simply carry on with their lives and make the best of it. As you struggle to survive, the apparent stoicism of people around you will appear increasingly alien. To maintain sanity, use visualisation techniques to retain an image of yourself as a European Citizen. Conceptualise the European café culture that you always yearned for and live there in your imagination.

4. Organise the resistance

EU Leaders will not abandon their citizens living in Britain. Learn French to keep up with announcements from our leader-in-exile, Emmanuel Macron. Guy Verhofstadt and Donald Tusk will continue to tweet encouraging messages to those who carry on the resistance. Win over the hearts and minds of your fellow citizens by attacking those you suspect of voting for Brexit. If that fails, the promised EU army may liberate us from the bind of UK citizenship. Help them identify traitors by daubing ‘B’ on the doors of local people who voted for Brexit.

Above all, maintain your belief in the EU. If it can’t be your state, it can be your state of mind.