As we speak, Extinction Rebellion activists are busy digging up green space outside a Cambridge University college to help promote their cause of natural protection. Critics who have asked why environmentalists would want to sabotage the environment have yet to be fully enlightened on the special privileges that come with their cause. To understand the actions of Extinction Rebellion, we have to delve deep into the core of their spiritual beliefs. Only if we comprehend their special way of seeing the world, can we make sense of what, on the surface, appears to be mindless vandalism. 

1. Perfect your love of planet earth

Although many of us enjoy walking in the Peak District or rambling along country lanes, we do not feel the earth’s pain, as she is despoiled by the greed of mankind. The people of Extinction Rebellion are in tune with the earth’s natural rhythms. They give the earth a voice she does not have by demonstrating the destruction that she feels.

2. The right science can justify any crime

Extinction Rebellion is made up of a small number of prophets who see visions of the forthcoming global destruction. They have nightmares of the coming apocalypse and see it as their duty to warn us all, by acting it out. Those most in tune with the climate crisis harnessed the power of science to rally the nation to their cause and, when the experts’ predictions proved wrong, new experts with new predictions were sourced.

3. Waving the correct placards will stop you getting arrested

The police are yet to arrest the Cambridge protestors for their actions. You too can evade being charged with vandalism if you leave your hair unwashed, paint your own sign and indulge in a spot of street dance while you commit your crime. In April 2019, Extinction Rebellion hit international headlines when they occupied London’s Waterloo Bridge and held a hippie party for several days. They were demonstrating the lifestyle that we all need to adopt in the coming months once the climate crisis starts to bite. Electricity was in short supply; toilets were insanitary; vehicles became redundant and commercial life came to a standstill. Extinction prophets spoke of their visions and their followers danced in a swirling dervish. In doing so, they communicated to the nation exactly how to stave off the wrath of mother earth and the wrath of the police.

4. Hard work is for the unenlightened

In October 2019, Extinction Rebellion occupied Trafalgar Square and spread across London. Tragically, their attempt to close down London’s Docklands Light Railway was interrupted by passengers who pulled demonstrators from the roof of the train.  The unenlightened British public wanted to go to work, but what they failed to grasp was that all work is rendered futile when the planet is about to perish.  Mortgage payments are pointless; salaries are a capitalist invention that one can do without – love of the planet comes before all practical considerations.

5. Be theatrical

If people cannot see for themselves that the world is being destroyed, then Extinction Rebellion must destroy it in front of our very eyes, with spades. By turning a pleasant green area into ‘no mans land’, they show us the forthcoming filth and squalor that we do not yet grasp. Extinction Rebellion are now speeding up their attack on nature to spur us into action. What appears to be an act of vandalism by entitled poshos wrapped up in pious millenarian cult-like nonsense, is in fact a genius theatrical stunt that will save humanity from itself.