Definition:

A festival of classical music with a tradition of singing old patriotic songs on the final night.

In an attempt to bolster our spirits in a time of crisis, the BBC has decided to cancel the traditional sing-song at the end of Last Night Of The Proms.

Singing now breaches public safety rules and group singing is dangerous. Nowhere is this more true than in the singing of old-fashioned patriotic songs, which goes against BBC Guidelines on De-colonisation and threatens to instil frightening racist tendencies in all those who are unwise enough to take part.

Some people may mourn the end of the Proms as we knew it. Last Night of the Proms fused gentle nostalgia with wry humour. The British seemed to love nothing more than a bit of overblown pomp, delivered with a hint of irony, fuelled by ‘one too many’. It seemed to appeal to a gentle pride in our history and the quirky British pleasure enjoyed through self-mockery. However, the BBC recognises that all traditions must come to an end. They are leading the way by sanitising our culture to make us safe.

For those who simply cannot quell the urge to sing, the BBC has developed alternative lyrics to Rule Britannia! and Land of Hope and Glory. The new words incorporate an educational element, in compliance with the BBC’s Policy Guidelines on Taking Everything Too Seriously. Some extracts are below.

Land of Hope and Glory

Land of trite nostalgia, singing pitifully

I dress in old pomp and gently mock our sense of history

Land of outrage and anger. A future I cannot see

I’m shamed by my ancestors, but what did they do to me?

Land of tiptoe and caution, masked and timid thee

How shall we know ourselves, now we’re no longer free?!

Land of oppression, mother of slavery

How shall we shame thee, it’s time to take the knee…

Rule Britannia

Rules Britannia, Britannia lives by rules!

Britons, ever, ever shall do what they’re told

Rules Britannia, slaves to the Covid threat

Britons – stay at home, stay safe and fret!

Fear Britannia! Live in anxiety!

Britain, no longer wants to be happy and free!

Kneel, Britannia! Britannia, show your shame!

Britain henceforth shall be meek and lame.

Fool Britannia, in fear of the second wave.

We will never never never find ourselves brave

Fool, Britannia! Old Britain is a joke!

Britain will be renewed, when we all go Woke!