From the comfort of your own home, you can take part in The Great Covid Quiz and win! The government is giving away billions and billions of pounds in prizes. Simply answer 10 questions correctly and you could win prizes ranging from a furlough to a wheelbarrow of Rishi cash. Get one wrong and you risk being quarantined and your team sent into lockdown.
You have 60 seconds to answer 9 questions. Go!
1. What is a ‘support bubble’?
a) A group of up to 100 people with whom you share an experience of being barricaded into a student accommodation block
b) A group of friends who provide emotional support to each other during intense periods of despair about the Covid regulations
c) The mutually ‘supportive’ relationship between TV news broadcasters and catastrophising Covid forecasters
2. What is a ‘Matt Hancock’?
a) A medical condition, under which the sufferer maintains an enthusiastic disposition resulting from extreme naivity.
b) A small animal that performs in a perpetual circus
c) The word for an unforced error
d) The Minister of Fear
3. What are the rules about going to the pub?
a) You can go with someone from your own household, but you must drink shandy through straws
b) You can meet people from other households, as long as you sit at separate tables and shout to each other and do not sing
c) You can go to the pub on your own, but you must drink yourself into depressed oblivion before 10pm
d) This question is irrelevant; the pub is bankrupt
4. What does ‘Follow The Science’ mean?
a) Assess the full range of scientific opinion and pick the one that is most shocking
b) Do whatever you have just persuaded your advisors to say
c) It’s a phrase you use when you hope that someone else knows what they are doing
d) You have no idea, you studied Classics at university
5. How does the government decide which towns to lockdown?
a) Northern towns where people still talk to each other
b) Northern towns where people still drink in pubs together
c) Northern towns where people still live as families
d) Northern towns, situated in the north.
6. What are the rules about sporting events?
a) You can participate in sporting events that involve shooting things
b) You can stay healthy by watching sporting events on the television
c) You can attend a football match, but you must watch it on the television in the club bar and the windows overseeing the pitch will be blacked out
d) The only sport allowed is guessing which regulations are in place at any one time
7. What is ‘herd immunity’?
a) Population immunity from an infectious disease
b) The government’s policy of treating the population like cattle
c) The herd of government advisors who are protected from criticism
8. Which is the most outlandish conspiracy theory?
a) The Chinese Communist Party released the virus to stress-test western societies
b) Bill Gates wants to inject us with microchips
c) The government has been replaced with green lizards from the Bilderberg Group
9. How will it end?
a) When the last fragment of Covid-19 is finally stamped into oblivion and every granny can roam free
b) When Nicola Sturgeon leads a victorious invasion of England in the final War of Calvinist Lockdown Against The Sinners
c) When some grown-ups are put in charge
d) It won’t. This is it. Forever. This is the beginning of The End