‘Critical race theory’ and ‘whiteness studies’  have proven, scientifically, that inequality stems from the persistent and unconscious racism of all white people everywhere.

Oddly, opinion polls show that racist attitudes in the UK are at a historic low and that most people judge others by their character, not their race. This apparent dichotomy has been resolved thanks to the theoretical advances made by prominent Racism Experts, who are invited to discuss Meghan Markle on the television. They have measured white people’s brains and discovered that racism thrives at a subconscious level, specifically in the basal ganglia and cerebellum area of the brain – known as ‘unconscious racism’. Although some Race Expert activists have argued for the surgical removal of the cerebellum in white people, this is frowned upon in some quarters. The more moderate Racism Experts simply ask that, once-a-day, white people apologise to at least one person of colour for all the slavery up until 1833.

The hard work of Racism Experts has ensured that we now judge people’s motivations according to their race. This is a great advance on the outdated notions of previous campaigners, such as Martin Luther King, who naively yearned for the day when people were judged solely by their words and actions.

Use: “I may be an unemployed man from Newcastle, but I apologise for my white privilege, Ms. Yasmin Alibhai-Brown”.