The battle for leadership of the Labour Party is underway. This is your essential guide to the diverse range of lawyers, solicitors and barristers lining up to lead the party of the working class.

Emily Thornberry

Emily brings a genteel brutality to the leadership battle. With a soft husky voice and a history of killing cats, Emily seeks to lead the party with firmness and heft. As a barrister, Emily has noticed the daily experience of working-class people and abhors it.

Intellectual tradition: North London Rough Left

Emily developed her political outlook from occasional visits to working-class areas, where she was appalled by the conditions that she had to endure. When visiting constituencies outside her Islington home, she has been forced to talk with potential voters. She discovered that people hold beliefs which have not existed in Islington since the 1980s. Emily has suffered terribly from these encounters. Witnessing such non-metropolitan cultural depravity convinced Emily that most people are living in a different world to her – one that is abhorrent and must be abolished. Emily is now dedicated to the Islington-isation of Britain.

Rebecca Long-Bailey

Rebecca was born under the Stretford End stand at the Old Trafford football stadium and grew up imagining that the cheers of Manchester United fans could, one day, be for her.

Intellectual tradition: Sub-Stalinist (Manchester Ship Canal Division)

Rebecca inherited her political principles from Jeremy Corbyn, who in turn inherited his beliefs from some pamphlets that he found in a north London squat in 1976. Rebecca brings new energy to the belief that governments should look after everything, make everything fair for everyone and make bad things illegal. Rebecca has also noticed that climate change is a thing and believes that the government should stop the climate changing too.

Sir Keir Starmer

Sir Keir was named after the founder of the Labour Party. Some have said that his surname results from an error made by a records clerk, where the ‘m’ was mistakenly replaced by a ‘t’. As a human rights lawyer, Sir Starmer has developed a profound understanding of humans and how to manage their rights for them, for a reasonable hourly fee.

Intellectual tradition: Fabian (Extra Elitist Section)

Sir Starmer honed his political outlook from his career as a lawyer and various positions held in the legal arms of government. He seeks to expand the role of the European Union, the United Nations, the Supreme Court – any institution in which enlightened people, like himself, can govern the uninformed majority, on our behalf. Unfortunately, the tide of popular opinion does not appear to be going in the same direction as Sir Starmer’s ambition.

Richard Burgeon

As a solicitor, Richard was the natural representative for the General Workers and Boilermakers Union in the Labour Party. He has achieved fame for his eloquence, honesty and warm demeanour.

Intellectual tradition: Hardcore Stalinism (Tankie)

Richard is the intellectual heavy weight in the deputy leadership election. He does thinking inside his own head and then says words, which have come from the very thinking which has taken place from within his head. The words that he says, comes from the thinking which has previously taken place, and this shows that he has developed the ability to create thoughts and the accompanying sentences. Many people have listened  to the words that Richard says in interviews and thought “what did he just say?” In this way he makes other people think too.

Angela Rayner

After leaving school at the age of 10, Angela worked her way up through the actual trade union movement. She is one of the few contenders for deputy leader, who is not a lawyer and has had a job involving physical work.

Intellectual tradition: Undiagnosed (Fellow Traveller)

Angela’s political convictions are mainly based on being opposed to Tory cuts, Tory austerity and Tories in general.

Lisa Nandy

Lisa comes from the North West and is the MP for Wigan. Lisa has developed the unique ability to identify problems and worry about them. Although, historically, Trade Unions exerted power through strikes, picketing and tough negotiations, Lisa prefers a softer approach. Lisa projects her anguish onto the people of Wigan to tell us how anxious people are in Wigan. She is worried about the worries of Wigan and worries that the worried worriers of Wigan are worried.

Intellectual tradition: Nice, but worried (Fabian)

Lisa developed her political philosophy through being ‘really concerned’ and being ‘deeply troubled’. She has outlined a clear programme of anxiety, unease and general worry.

Jess Phillips

Jess is from the self-promotional wing of the Labour movement. Brought up to say what she likes and like what she says, she now says what she thinks, and she likes it. She has the confidence to say what she thinks other people probably think, even though they haven’t said it.

Intellectual tradition: Loud

David Lammy

Although David is not standing for the party leadership, he provides the intellectual foundation which could decide the direction of the party. Best known for fostering a gentler, kinder politics, he has pioneered an inclusive, communitarian ideology by identifying people that he most dislikes and denouncing them as Nazis.

Intellectual tradition: Antifa

David is led by his vivid imagination, rather than an old-fashioned reliance on theoretical understanding. David offers Labour members his unique ability to detect the hidden motivations of people around him and identify them as secret fascists. He is the leader of new socialist school of thought known as ‘You Nazi B*st*rd’ (Marxist-Fabian).